Samantha Begins
by universe.disturber
Summary: Freddie Benson never expected to be in love with Sam Puckett, and he thinks it can't happen once he ends up dating her. He thinks her love for him is out to get him, but Freddie's worse own enemy is...
1. Chapter 1

Her blue eyes blinked, and then she left. All that curly blonde hair went with her. Things weren't supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to love her, and I wasn't supposed to miss her when she left. Wishing I could go back in time and change everything, I recalled how it all began.

"No, Carly, no!" I protested. "You can't make me do that!"

"Why not?" my best friend, Carly Shay, giggled. "Freddie, you told me two years ago that you love Sam. Why don't you just ask her out?"

"Because she'll reject me! You remember what she did to Gibby when he asked her to the junior high dance, don't you? She'll do the same to me and worse because I'm not just asking her to be my date to a dance, I'm asking her to be my automatic, permanent date."

"And I'm sure Sam will be more than glad to have you be that guy for her. Take a chance. It's either she says yes or you get beat with two Honey Baked Hams. In other words, it's all or nothing."

"You know, I'm pretty sure she'll beat me with three hams."

"Hey, as much as you think you know Sam, I don't think you do. She have been acting like a little girl for all this time and covering up her true feelings by abusing you like one with the flu abuses the toilet."

"She told me I looked like a toilet once. And I think I do know her well enough to figure that once she's done beating me with both hams, she'll flush my guts down one."

"You said both hams."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You have more confidence in yourself than you did when you said three!"

"Carly, shut up!"

"Shutting."

But I knew she was completely right. Though I did love Sam Puckett as more than a friend, I still feared her. She'd kick my ass if she didn't love me. And the chances of her loving me seemed slimmed. Carly, however, had convinced me.

"I'll ask her out."

She beamed.

"Excellent. Take charge, Freddie."

For a minute, I was ready to take charge. Then I remembered that Sam's answer was really taking charge of me.

_My friend assures me it's all or nothing_…


	2. No Worries

I thought about all the memories I'd made with Sam. Just before we started iCarly, I didn't know how I felt about her. She was so mean to me. But then just a little while after I became the tech producer for the show, I realized how interesting Sam was. When I had to get her face tattooed in my arm, I must say that I didn't mind it all that much. I'm a better actor than you'd think.

She's made me hurt in so many ways, but I know that I could influence her to change that. If she just realized that I loved her, I think she'd come to terms with herself and admit that she felt the same way. Most times, I can tell when people like each other, but with Sam, it could go either way. But didn't she know that I loved her? Didn't she know that I couldn't stand to see her so miserable when Missy came to Ridgeway? Normally, I would have taken the school at sea program faster than a starving cheetah. But Sam's happiness mattered to me, and I also couldn't get enough of seeing her.

I couldn't worry. She was my friend, and even if she did try to kill me, I knew things wouldn't be horrible after a while. And I shouldn't invest so much time in this. I'm only fifteen. If things didn't work out with Sam now, it doesn't mean the never will. When two people are meant to be together, there's no stopping that.

Yet, I was still anxious about what I would say. I tried practicing, asking myself, "Sam, will you go out with me?" But then my mom walked in and scrunched up her face.

"What, Mom?" I asked.

"Freddie, dear, you're talking to yourself," she stated the obvious. "And it sounds like you're planning on asking out a girl. Is she nice and is she clean?"

It took a lot of self-control not to laugh. Nice and clean are two words that don't describe Sam at all.

"Please, just leave me to this," I begged. "You can decide what you think of her as time goes on."

"I'm worried about you," she remarked and set a bag of organic groceries on the kitchen table.

I'm worried about myself.

_Don't say that!_ I heard the voice in my mind retort. _You can't be worried about Sam_.

And I shouldn't be. Just because she was beautiful and passionate, didn't mean I should be scared when I thought about her response. If she said no, it wasn't the end of the world. Years from now, I could try again. Years from now, I'd probably get a different answer.

Those big, blue eyes. I could see them frowning and telling me no more quickly than her loud mouth.

Worrying isn't worth my time. I can't be worried. There.

I took out my cell phone and called Carly once I half-convinced myself that I was confident.

"Hey Freddie," she answered.

"Carly," I began, "I'm going to do it."

"Good luck."

I gulped.

"Thanks. I'm gonna need it."

_I am not worried, I am not overly concerned_…


	3. Moving Past the Fear

When I walked into school the next day, I saw Sam open her locker and take out bacon from her microwave. The way she chomped on it reminded me of the way she could crunch my bones if her answer was no, and I scurried away like field mouse.

Unfortunately, Carly stood behind me, and pushed me forward to Sam. I whirled around.

"Look at the way she eats," my voice strained. "She could destroy me even by using her jaw!"

"But she's not going to," Carly assured me. "Sam is my best friend, and I happen to know that she doesn't hate you as much as you think she does."

"You're making that up because I am also your best friend who is in love with her. What does she say about me when I'm not around?"

"Things."

"Carly, tell me what she says."

I realized that I sounded like a fourth grade girl, but I didn't care. I had to get Sam's honest opinion of me.

"Look, I'd tell you if I could, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because there are some things girl best friends have to keep between girl best friends."

I stared ahead at Sam, too wrapped up in her essence to respond to Carly. It would be an absolute dream if she all of a sudden turned soft and accepted me. She couldn't. There was no way. She'd just call me Freddork and tell me to get a boyfriend.

"Freddie, tell her how you feel," Carly tried to build me up again. "For this one time in your life, make an exception for your fears. Besides, you shouldn't even fear Sam anyway. You're friends, and friends are supposed to be close."

"I'm always going to fear her," I objected.

"But if you love her, you should just work past that," Carly pushed.

She was right- I should. And I wasn't worried. Why should I be worried? It was just Sam. Sam… the girl who my entire world revolved around for the past two years. No matter what she would do if her answer was a negative, I wasn't worried.

"What do you think now?" Carly asked once she saw me thinking.

"I'm going to make an exception and ask her out," I told her. "Tomorrow."

But I wasn't worried.

_My friend implored me for one time only make an exception, I am not worried_…


	4. The Big Moment

Tomorrow arrived.

And no, I wasn't scared. I'd conquered that. I wish people would stop assuming that I was worried. The second I saw Sam that morning at school, I charged up to her.

She shut her locker and smiled a toothy grin.

"Hey Freddie," she greeted me. "What's up?"

I could feel my jaw drop. She'd just said that to me like I was a normal person- didn't call me Fredison, Freddork, or Fredibeth. Had Carly been right about Sam's feelings for me all along? Or did she betray me and Sam was now _stringing_ me along?

"A lot."

I was straightforward, and I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Knowing Sam, she'd probably twist it around and ask me if I had an STD from a transvestite or a mosquito.

She chortled shortly.

"Really, what?"

Again, shocking. It left me confused, but I couldn't be concerned with that. All that mattered to me was making Sam mine.

"You, actually," I found myself actually admitting this to her. And I wasn't dreaming- I checked.

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. See, Sam, I've liked you for a really long time now. Ever since we started iCarly. But I never wanted to do anything about it because I knew you'd beat me up."

She looked like she was really considering this. Then she said,

"Hey, I let you kiss me, didn't I?"

With that, I felt myself blushing.

"Yeah, you did. But what I'm trying to say, or ask, really, is, will you go out with me?"

And I braced myself for the pain.

_Come on, Freddie_, I told myself. _Don't be a wimp_.

When I looked up, her eyes were smiling. Genuinely.

"I'll go out with you," she replied. "Definitely."

It was a simple as that. Sam was now my girlfriend. I'd been vying for her ever since I was thirteen, and now I had her.

But I wasn't fully satisfied.

In the scheme of things, I knew exactly why. It was because the idea of being with Sam was so perfect for me that I knew it just couldn't last. I would love her too much, and when she wanted to be herself, I'd let her slip through my fingers. But I couldn't be overly concerned with my emotions. All I had to do was enjoy my time with Sam as my girlfriend, and figure out where it would go.

"So," I meandered in my speech, "What do we do now?"

"Put your arm around me and we'll start walking down the hallway," she demanded.

That was definitely Sam. Her "yes" was obviously real.

"Are you sure?" I questioned. "People are going to notice that we're a couple and not fighting."

"I'm sure," she said. "Plus, these people are so into themselves they probably won't even notice."

"We're Sam Puckett and Freddie Benson," I reminded her. "You and I fight constantly- even on the Internet for the world to see. People are going to notice.'

"Freddie, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't care. Let them know that you're my boyfriend now."

I beamed.

"All right," I told her. "Come on."

And I wrapped my arm around her, not even believing what was happening. Sam was my girlfriend- _my_ girlfriend. I was so in love with her, and I wanted to keep that love forever. But I was so worried I was too weak to make it last. This wasn't something I could think about right now. I wasn't concerned about the way I felt. No.

We strolled happily down the hallway to tell Carly the news.

_I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions_…


	5. Changes

It was like it had never been before. Sam and I were together, and no one else seemed to mind. In fact, everyone appeared to be happy.

"Well, finally," Carly teased when I- we- told her we were dating. "I thought neither of you were ever going to do anything."

"Well, I did." I smiled at my blonde.

"Hey, I said yes!" Sam exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's what really counts."

And I really did think that. She became my world, and I felt myself becoming new every second she was just that. Already, I was quiet. And it had only been a week- the most glorious week of my life.

We decided to announce the relationship on the show. All of figured that the iCarly viewers could sense the potential romantic chemistry between Sam and me. If we had, so did they.

For that week's broadcast, I was ready in a different way. Sam was my life. Sick as it seems, I was completely enraptured with her. I was so focused on her every move that I couldn't concentrate on anyone or anything else.

"Freddie!" I heard Carly scream.

My eyes tore themselves away from Sam, who told me to, "back off for now and let me eat my slice of pizza".

"Yeah?" I answered.

"How much longer until we go live?"

"Oh shit!"

I clicked onto the computer to check the timer. My daze was really changing me- I was becoming less responsible.

"Fifteen seconds!" I shouted. "Hurry!"

"Obviously!" Carly panicked. Then she turned to Sam and yelled, "Put down the pizza!"

"But it's so good!" she complained beautifully.

"Ten seconds," I warned.

She'd better get out there so I could look at her and we could announce our love to the world.

"Sam!"

"But pizza!"

"Sam, put down the pizza and I promise you I'll buy you a large after the show," I told her.

Then she flashed her sly, Puckett grin at me.

"All right."

She'd done it. She listened to me. I wanted to know if it was because she was truly falling in love with me or if it was because free pizza was offered.

"In five, four, three, two," I counted down and switched on the camera.

"Morgishflergin, viewers!" Carly exclaimed.

"That's Puddingnese for thanks for tuning into iCarly!" Sam added.

God, those eyes.

"But before we actually get this show started, Sam has a little announcement to make."

My heart jumped as I turned the camera to face my Sam. She beamed first at me and then at the viewers.

"Okay, so you all know that I can't stand out technical producer, Freddie," she started. "But lately, both of us have had a change of heart. See, as of Tuesday, Freddie became my boyfriend."

I whirled the camera around so that the viewers could see me.

"This is no joke," I said. "Sam and I are really going out."

She stood next to me and gushed, "Don't we make an adorable couple?"

We did. We made an adorable, influencing couple.

After the show, I went up to Sam, getting out my wallet to show her that I was holding true to my pizza promise.

"All right, Sam, I suppose you want a large pizza with pepperoni, bacon, ham, and sausage," I ran it by her.

"Just right, Freddie," she giggled and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Thanks for getting me the pizza."

"You're welcome," I replied. "I just wanted to see you out there for iCarly, telling everyone about how you and I reconciled our differences."

"Way reconciled! Wanna walk over to Big Joe's with me to order to the pizza?"

"Sure."

We left Carly a note telling her where we were going and that we would be back soon. I was glad to be alone with Sam. I had some things I had to tell her.

"Have you noticed that I've been different since we started going out?" I began by asking her a question.

"Kind of," she said. "But not much. The only thing that seems to be different is that you're busy staring at me lovingly than staring at me with hate in your eyes."

I chortled.

"Yeah, but to me, there's been other stuff. I completely forgot about warning you guys about when iCarly was going to go live. And I've been so quiet. It's because I'm so busy thinking about everything, you being the top thing on the list.

She smiled brightly.

"You're changing," she stated simply.

"I've noticed."

It wasn't something I liked, change. I wanted to say the same forever, because I liked who I was. If I changed any more, and if it was even more drastic, I could lose Sam. And I didn't want that, but somewhere I knew it was going to happen.

"But change never goes away," she added. "Humans are always changing."

"Yeah, I know," I murmured.

_Too bad_.

Sam and I arrived at Big Joe's Pizza Parlor and ordered the pizza. I watched her eyes light up as she dreamed of indulging in the meat-heavy pizza, and it made me happier than I'd been in a long time.

I couldn't lose her. But it had to be.

_"Oh," she says, "you're changing. But we're always changing."_


	6. Not Love

"So," Carly started a conversation. We were waiting for Sam to arrive at school, and I knew she was fighting with her mom about getting a ride to school. It was their day-to-day routine.

"So what?" I asked.

"You love Sam," she teased.

"I do not," I protested."

"Yes, you do. It's love."

"It isn't love! It can't be."

Carly's face seemed shocked and worried.

"Freddie, why can't it be love?" she whispered in a voice so quiet I wasn't sure if said anything at all.

"Because time will keep passing, and she and I will keep changing. We'll grow up, and we'll realize that we can't love each other. It's not love. I don't love Sam."

"But don't you want to?"

"I don't know."

The truth was that I did want to love Sam. There was just no way that I could. This wasn't love. All I had to do was convince myself now that it wasn't love, and then I would really feel it. If I made myself think that I didn't love Sam, then when the time came to leave each other, it wouldn't hurt. The pain was what was bound to happen was unnecessary. I didn't love her. I didn't love her.

Not long after Carly talked to be about her, Sam walked into school. She was so beautiful, but I didn't love her. When I thought about it, I knew that she didn't really love me, which made it easier to say that I didn't love her.

"Where have you been?" Carly asked.

"Eh, I asked my mom to give me a ride to school, and she suggested the cat do it," Sam replied like this was normal mother/daughter stuff. "Then, instead of getting a cab, I told her that it was ridiculous of her not to drive me, and then we got into this huge fight. It's weird. I've never been in a fight with my mom about something other than ham before."

That's when I realized this.

Change.

Sam was changing too. She was changing because of me. I didn't want her to die away from the Sam that she was. That was the girl I became so enthralled with. But maybe, if I knew that the changing would happen again, it would be easier to let her go. I was so confused, and believe it or not, scared.

"I'm sure the two of you will work it out soon," Carly assured Sam. "You always do, don't you?"

"I guess," Sam muttered. "It's just that I never really know with my mom. She's up and down."

"Hey," I finally came in. "You could have my mom."

She let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, that's right, Freddie. I could have your crazy mother and never be allowed to eat ham."

Uncontrollably, I wrapped my arm around Sam's waist. It felt so right, being with her this way. And I wanted to keep it. I wanted to love her more than I've wanted anything before. It was just impossible for our well-being.

"Aww," Carly gushed. "You're so cute together."

"Glad you think so," I chuckled. "Come on, we'd better get to homeroom."

And we went, Sam and I locked together in one embrace. Saying that I didn't love her was becoming easier. One day, I was sure to believe it. I couldn't take any more pain, and the pain of losing Sam once it happened would be unbearable. As she looked at me admiringly with those huge, bright blue eyes, it was a struggle to remind myself that this couldn't be love.

It does not bother me to say this isn't love… 


	7. Memory

With the exception of being with Sam, I just wanted to be left alone. My mom asked if my newfound behavior was because I hadn't taken a tick bath in a whole month. I told her not taking a tick bath certainly wouldn't make me miserable. When she asked if it was a girl, I didn't want to talk about it. There- just because of that, I knew my feelings for Sam weren't love.

Sam hadn't said she loved me. So why the hell should I commit to her? We didn't talk about it at all. We just lived in the moment. And that was just fine with me because I didn't want to talk about it.

My phone buzzed in the pocket of my khakis. When I pulled it out, I noticed it was Carly. She probably wanted to ask me more about why I couldn't love Sam, and I figured I'd answer just to humor her.

"Hi Carly," I said dully into the receiver.

"Freddie, I need to talk to you about Sam," she demanded.

Just as I expected.

"Carly, I already told you," I sighed. "I can't love Sam because once we get older, we'll change and grow out of each other. The more I don't love her now, the easier it will be to let her go."

"Stop telling yourself that," she said sternly. "If you really and truly love Sam, you'll always love her."

"But change doesn't stop, and we're young right now. One of these days, we'll have to let go of each other."

"Don't say that."

"Too late."

I could hear Carly gasp, and then we were both quiet. She was going to ask a cliché question next- I knew it. But, like before, I figured I might as well let her ask it.

"Did you already leave her?"

"No," I answered. "But one of these days, she'll leave me or vice versa. And if I don't love her now, which I don't, I won't be so upset. Now I don't want to talk about Sam!"

"We are going to talk about Sam. You do love her. You love her a lot. And because I can see how much she means to you and how much you mean to her, I'm never going to let you guys break up."

"Carly, you can't control that. It's obviously destined for Sam and me to split someday."

"Yeah, someday when it's the end of the world. Even then, I know you love her enough to stay with her."

"I do not love her."

"Yes you do! Please stop saying you don't."

"But I don't."

I didn't. I couldn't and I wouldn't. She wouldn't care when we were done, either. If she loved me, wouldn't she have said it by now? Couples these days move so quickly. Not Sam and me. We seemed almost old-fashioned, but I didn't want to be like that now. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me and that she would always be mine. With that, I would be able to tell her that I loved her more than my own life, and then I would know that things were strong enough never to change. But Sam would never tell me she loved me because she didn't. Eventually, we'd move on to bigger and better things. Better. I couldn't see anything better than Sam.

Don't think like that.

"Freddie, I'm telling you that you and I both know very well that you love Sam. Why don't you tell her?"

Persistent Carly. She was a great friend with a lot of compassion, but she could really get on my nerves, especially when I voiced that I didn't want to talk about Sam.

"Because if I told her, then I would be lying. And I care enough about Sam not to lie to her."

"You wouldn't be lying! Are you afraid that she wouldn't say it back?"

"No."

"Then why don't you just say it?"

"I've told you a million times why I don't say it. I do not love Sam Puckett. And I certainly don't want to talk about this anymore."

After that, I hung up the phone. Carly had more to say, but it was about midnight and my door was locked. Even if she did come across the hall begging to get in, she wouldn't be successful.

I flopped down on my bed and started thinking about Sam. She was so gorgeous, and she was one of the most unique people I'd ever met. But I could see us tearing away from each other so easily, because like we'd talked about before, people are always changing. Why couldn't this be easy? Love would always be terribly complicated, and it was especially worse when you were trying to live a lie.

No. I wasn't living a lie. This was the cold, hard truth.

Suddenly, I found myself submerged in my memory. Before my eyes, I saw Sam and me, sitting at the fire escape, talking. I could hear her voice, and it was as clear as a bell.

"Well, lean," she demanded.

And I did. I kissed her. I wanted to keep it going for as long as possible, and I wished I could read her thoughts. All I cared about was whether or not she felt the same way about our kiss. She never stopped, which was a good sign. But I couldn't let her believe that I had feelings for her other than hate.

We broke away simultaneously, and everything was awkward. That, to me, was another good sign. If eventually Sam and I were to get together, it couldn't be right away. Prep is needed for everything.

Then I said, "I hate you." But I was laughing and smiling, knowing I was telling the biggest fib of my life.

"Hate you too," she snickered and climbed off the fire escape and back to Carly.

If only I felt that way now.

Then another instance flashed in front of my eyes. Sam was standing in front of my apartment, asking me to help her. Missy, Carly's childhood best friend, moved to Seattle and was trying to get rid of Sam. Unfortunately, Carly couldn't see this, and to begin with, I didn't believe Sam either. But she looked at me so convincingly, and I was torn between my previous inferences and my partiality for Sam.

"Okay, just forget it," she murmured. "Don't believe me."

She walked away, and I could feel my heart slowly breaking. That look on her face made it seem like she had to be telling me the truth. But she was a world-renowned liar. Who knew what to believe?

Something told me she was being honest.

"Give me one reason why I should," I called after her.

When she came back, I was surged with incredible hope. Sam Puckett was placing her faith in _me_. And I was the one she hated most.

"Because I came here," she replied.

And that was all I got of the memory. She came to me, and I hoped she would always keep coming to me. Change would take the reigns, and she would forget all about me. I would try to forget about her, but…

I didn't want to talk about it, let alone think about it.

_'Cause if you don't wanna talk about it then it isn't love_…


End file.
